Sometimes, I don't want to believe in Jesus Christ. I don't want to believe in his birth, death and resurrection.
Please don't misunderstand me: by the time this article is published I will no doubt have come around. But tonight, I wish I didn't believe any of it.
An easier life
Life would be a whole lot easier if I didn't believe in Jesus. It certainly wouldn't be without pain, confusion, heartache, those days of aimlessness and boredom I used to experience, but it would be easier.
As a believer, a Christian, I have a mandate. I have an assignment. It's the difference between going to school to get a degree and cruising to the beach to get some waves. I know what I'd enjoy more in the moment, but one of those things will benefit me more in the long term, so if I had to choose...
As a Christian I'm forced to view this life as fleeting. I wish I could roll with the best of them, who live by the anthem 'You only live once!' but I can't, because I believe you live twice, once for a very short while and then again, for all eternity.
And the thought of eternity is crippling. 'YOLO' no longer means 'party up'. It means sow well, invest in people, be an example, make the most of your opportunities to be salt and light in this world because you only get once chance at it and if you miss it you'll have forever to kick yourself.
You, who don't believe that Jesus Christ rose from the dead, there are times I envy you. Tonight is one of those times. Sometimes I wish I hadn't had the revelation of his resurrection power, because with that revelation comes a compulsion to want to live differently.
I bear the burden of knowledge. The knowledge that God sent his son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering: he who knew no sin became my sin offering to God! See, that changes things for me. Sometimes—tonight—I wish I didn't believe that!
'Don't quote scripture to me because I don't believe what's written in the Bible is true' one of my best friends said to me one day. The conversation was over. There was nothing I could say to him because my whole life is based on my faith in Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit-inspired writing of the Bible. Sometimes I wish I could shut down conversations just like that, and to refuse to go any deeper.
Set apart for more
'We fast to give the spirit precedence over the flesh' my wife says as I stick my fork into another piece of tomato. 'I don't care!' I want to say sometimes, 'I am sick of vegetables, I just want a piece of meat!' Why am I fasting, eating vegetables and drinking water on a winter's night when my friends are down at the pub having a craft beer and a schnitzel?
I hear the words of Jentezen Franklin, an old school preacher in America, declaring that it's the fast that sets us apart! We're supposed to live differently! That's what the fast does: it reminds us who we are!
I wish sometimes I had what you had: unbelief, ignorance, and your own interests to pursue.
Tonight, I didn't want my faith anymore. When I began this article I wished I didn't believe. But, as a Christian, I can't talk about my faith at length without getting stirred, can't write about faith without getting pumped. I am reminded of who I am.
Faith shines brighter
Some nights I wish I had what you had, but not tonight. As I once again remember and understand the life I have in Christ. Not tonight, as I understand that Jesus wasn't just a man who died. He's alive.
Yes, I miss out on a schnitzel here and there, give away a craft beer every now and then but while I go without I pray that you might come to know this same saviour Jesus I have come to know. This is Jesus who healed me of a lifelong condition, and who rescued me from a past of anger and heartache. This Jesus, who heals, rescues, redeems and renews. This Jesus who changes lives.
I lose my vision every now and then, and I lose sight of my purpose. Sometimes what you have shines brightly for a time, but then I get it back from somewhere deep inside, and all of a sudden I'm on fire. Then what you've got doesn't seem to shine so brightly anymore.
David Luschwitz is an Australian Teacher and Evangelist currently residing in the South of Spain where he is working on a new book.
To read more of David's writing and to hear his story head to www.davidluschwitz.com
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David's previous articles can be found at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/david-luschwitz.html