A few months ago, I was attacked by someone I trusted in a place I felt safe. A little while later, it happened again. I've had a hard time coming up with words to talk about it.
So I'll start with something that I've learned over the last few weeks: God can always be trusted. He isn't the source of my pain, but is forever the source of my hope. God never gives me reason to fear, but He gives me every reason to forgive.
Even so – I've been struggling
Have you ever looked in your heart and found anger instead of forgiveness, or fear instead of courage? I've been slandered, abused and displaced. I've moved twice, stepped back from my career and lost many connections. The reason I struggle, though, does not come from my circumstances. It comes from my heart.
In particular, I had a hard time seeing the difference between defending myself and protecting myself. Defense, for me, was rooted in fear. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy chapter 1 verse 7, NKJV)
If fear is contrary to power, love and a sound mind, then is it really protecting me? The short answer is no. If my goal is to remain in control of myself and my love, then fear can't be a part of the equation. Once I discovered that fear wasn't protecting me, I had only one option: to trust God.
When I gaze at God, He gazes into me. Is he ashamed or afraid of what He sees? No. He doesn't see my shortcomings – He sees the righteousness of His son. Moreover, He's not surprised by my life circumstances because - after all - He is God.
What to pray for?
Over the last few months, I haven't been sure what to pray for. At first, my prayers were related to justice, restitution, and reconciliation. Even though I know God can bring those things about, I knew as I was praying that my heart wasn't in the right place. So instead of focusing my prayers outwards, I began to focus them inwards.
As I laid my pain, anger and fear on the altar, God took those things and gave me peace, boldness and love. My prayers went from, "But it is so hard to forgive!" to "You have forgiven me so much - I know I can forgive as well." My attitude and the position of my heart changed. (I won't lie - I'm a bit embarrassed that they weren't right to begin with.)
It's easy to believe in your inner heroine when you've never been threatened. Only in these trials can faith show itself to be stronger than fear. I prayed God would make me strong and fearless. And while He made me capable, He also made me an agent of my own destiny. He gave me a choice to respond to my struggles with anger and fear or with love and forgiveness. While my responses haven't been perfect, God is large enough to bridge the gap between his will and my heart.
God cares about me
Eventually, I learned that God did care about my circumstances, but He cared more about my heart. While it would have been so much more comfortable to avoid the trials and injustices of the last few months altogether, I am grateful to see how God protected me.
Is there a happy ending to this story? I know I haven't shared the details of my experiences, and that was intentional. Everyone goes through hard times – but we never have to go through them alone Though not much in my life has changed and there are still many changes to come, my heart is once again whole. So yes, I would call that a happy ending.
Grace lives in California, high in the Sierra Nevada mountains. She is constantly inspired by the beauty around her. She loves to hike, fish, ski, and take long walks. She is passionate about worship and seeing God's love lived out through her community.
Grace Wood's articles may be viewed at http://www.pressserviceinternational.org/grace-wood.html