Late one night, I was lying in my bedballing my eyes out. "God? I don't even know who you are!" came out from my lips. My heart broke. I was so confused.
Why had nobody warned me of this imminent crisis? A quick Google-search is enough to discover that most Bible College students will experience a crisis of faith during the course of their studies.
I had just finished a 'reading reflection' on a passage of Scripture which seemed to go against my understanding of God and how He works.The God I've known and loved for 29 years might not be who I thought He was. Why does Jesus talk about us needing to fulfil the law of the Old Testament when we know it is only by His undeserved grace that we are saved?
Why do I suddenly feel like I don't believe what I believe?I know I believe in the God of the Bible. My life is built on who He is, and the entire direction of my future has sprouted from this foundation. I know He is real. But what if He's not who I thought He was?
The search for answers
So I went in search of answers, not answers for the confusion that set off my crisis, but regarding the question of whether the God I think I know is actually who I thought He was.
I listened to podcast sermons, I read Scripture for myself. The mere act of talking to God was problematic, so my prayer remained simple: "God, show me who you are and help me believe."
The answer finally came by considering the very foundation of faith. Not that I should be striving to fulfil a law code which can never be satisfied, but that I need to trust Him.
Learning to have faith like a child
It's so easy to get caught up in trying to live life out of our own strength and resources, trying to earn our salvation through good works, when it all comes down to the simplicity of a children's song:
"Trust and obey
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey."
Yes—it's that simple! For it was Jesus Himself who said in Matthew chapter 18, verse 3, "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
Over a couple of weeks, my faith was restored—stronger than before. And more importantly, it was brought back to the simple foundation of trust in God, not in myself. Relying on Him, not on yourself. Trust and obey.
Chloe is an Australian writer. She loves weekend breakfasts with friends, and embraces life as an extrovert, a detail-oriented thinker, and a verbal processor.