Just this morning, on logging out of one of my (five) email addresses (one for every alter-ego. Jokes. But seriously), I was hit with such scintillating headlines as "Watch Hugh Jackson take a fall on live TV" (No way. So gravity affects celebrities too? Crazy), "David Beckham worries 'My kids have it too easy'" (first world problems…), "Brad Pitt's kids aren't allowed computers" (don't worry guys, I've already filed a complaint with Child Services. Because no two-year-old should be without their laptop. It's in the Ten Commandments. Right?), and "Who is older, Paris or Nicole" (I DON'T KNOW!! Oh my gosh. WHO COULD IT BE? Better click the link to find out).
And I wasn't even on the entertainment page.
Seeing as we all fall victim to the hapless, pointless drivel that masquerades as news these days (there I go again… "News these days" – enough with the old people speak already!) it's time to take matters into our own hands. We, the public – we will not be sheep, blindly reading whatever content comes our way (blind sheep? That can read? Ok not the best metaphor choice). No, we will take the bull by its horns (the bull… right next to the sheep in the literary menagerie I've created) and find our own second-rate pseudo-news to read. Thank you very much.
In that vein, you will be pleased to know that I have done the hard work for you (you're welcome), and compiled this week's most uneducational ridiculous news for you to read, all in one handy location. Read on for a delightful assortment of light refreshments in the way of outlandish headlines and interesting, if useless, information. No news is good news!
In this week's headlines:
- German police stop drunken 'Yoda' at wheel: After a minor collision, a middle aged male driver sped from the scene of the crash at the speed of light(sabers). Apparently lightsabers are slower than light, as the driver, resplendent in a Yoda costume, was caught by police a couple of minutes later. "The officers were especially surprised to see... Grand Master Yoda at the wheel," read the police statement from Darmstadt, Germany, detailing how they took the man into custody for drinking a little too much German beer before hitting the German streets. "In this case," police concluded, "the force was not with him".
- Goat accused of robbery: Goats are naturally suspicious animals, what with their beards and uncanny ability to walk up cliffs, yet Nigeria has taken it to a whole 'nother level by arresting a goat on suspicion of armed robbery (well, attempted armed robbery. A goat can only try…). The goat was taken into custody due to the following turn of events: dude tried to steal a car. Police came to get dude. Dude turned into goat. A police spokesman said "Vigilantes saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. One escaped while the other turned into a goat". As you do. If you're a goat.
- Priests bless manhole covers: trusting for the safety of the town's new manhole covers, council members in Lodz, Poland put their trust in the Lord and had a priest pray against thieves who steal them as scrap metal. Other counsellors protested the extra cost of the priest's prayers, failing to take into account free conversations with God thanks to Skype, and the Holy Spirit.
- Elite Polish Cops Sacked for Protecting Paris Hilton: fashion police were not involved. But they should have been.
Tune in next time for more highly irrelevant news, in one convenient location!
Grace Mathew is a Sydney-based writer and speaker who recently graduated from the University of Sydney with a Bachelor of International and Global Studies.
Grace's archive of articles can be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/grace-mathew.html