Whilst I have been learning a lot of things I have been learning a ridiculous amount about relationships.
For the most part this has been an exciting season as I have been learning to appreciate and invest into the relationships in my life more. However, there have been a few harder days where my own issues have gotten in the way of healthy relationships and I have had the painful task of peering inside myself and encountering my own downfalls, struggles and weaknesses face-to-face.
Maybe I have just been living life through my early-20's-rose-coloured-glasses, but it has been an oddly humbling experience to be reminded that maybe I don't have everything together after all. Fancy that…
I have realised that more often than not I am a little disorganised and late; I can be too sensitive; I can become incredibly stressed and forget to have fun; I can care too much about what other people think and make decisions based on the opinions of others; and I am a TERRIBLE listener. I am certainly not perfect.
As I learn more about relationships and myself I know that I need to work on each of these areas. But after attending a workshop on 'Active Listening' the other day I realised that there was one thing on this list that would certainly kill every one of my relationships if it went long enough without me doing anything about it: neglecting to listen.
Not Listening Isn't Worth The Risk
I guess it makes sense that we can forget to make listening a priority and fall into the trap of neglecting it, sometimes almost all together. Instead we can find ourselves competing for a space for our words and thinking about what we will say next while the other person is speaking, instead of actually hearing what they are saying. I know I am guilty of doing this.
What I have realised the past month is that listening, I mean really listening, is a selfless act that goes against our natural grains. There is no written rule that says we have to listen, and at the end of the day if we don't make the conscious effort to do it, it just won't happen.
However, for someone to know that they are really being heard and understood, I have realised, can be one of the most reassuring and comforting things. It shows the other person that we value them enough to actually hear and take the time to understand what it is that they have to say. It communicates that we want to get to know them, we want to understand them and we want to be able to empathise with how they are feeling. Ultimately it communicates that we want to journey life with them.
I have realised that if all I do is talk, it doesn't matter what I am saying, what I am communicating is that I see myself as more important than the other person, that I value my own opinion above theirs and that I want to hear my own stories for the hundredth time more than I want to take the chance to get to know and understand the other person.
As a result, the relationship will never feel like a 'safe' place for them to open up and say what they are thinking, leaving it impossible for them to ever have a full emotional tank within the scope of this relationship.
Ultimately listening lays a foundation where trust, respect, honesty, kindness, love and many other characteristics of healthy relationships can grow; without it our relationships will eventually die a slow and painful death.
Making The Choice. Learning to Listen.
So, I have resolved to make the conscious effort to learn to listen well by putting basic listening skills into practice. To:
- Acknowledge that it doesn't come naturally and persevere and be patient when I am finding it difficult
- Give the person who is talking 100% of my attention
- Hold back my desire to 'help' and instead desire to understand the other person and journey with them
- Hold back judgement; acknowledging that it's just not necessary
- Ask questions and reflect back to them the things they are saying
It sounds simple doesn't it!? But my guess is that I'm not the only one who struggles to hold my tongue from jumping in with my opinions, judgement or 'me too' stories.
I am unlikely the only person who struggles to not 'but in' and finish other peoples sentences. And I am probably not the only culprit of 'zoning out' and thinking of other things while someone is talking to me. Listening deserves to be highlighted and the platform for discussion and observation because of the incredible potential that it has to positively transform relationships.
I don't want to see my relationships die; I want to see them grow and flourish. I want to see the people who are closest to me feeling safe and comfortable and able to share their journey of life with me. I want to see them built up and not worn down. I want them to feel valued and appreciated. I want them to feel heard and I want their emotional tanks to be full.
So it is my personal challenge to not just realise that I am a terrible listener but to humble myself and make the choice to become a better listener for the benefit of others.
No one says we have to listen, in fact the world mostly teaches us to do the complete opposite but knowing what I know now it certainly makes sense to pursue this skill.
As the wise words of Proverbs 18 verse 13 say, "If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame."
"Nothing is more reassuring than to be listened to in an attentive way. Quite apart from the fact that when you listen to me, I know that my views are being entertained, your listening also reassures me that I am being taken seriously as a person. To be listened to is to be valued. To be listened to is to be fully acknowledged. To be listened to is to be recognised as an individual with thoughts worth expressing." From Why Don't People Listen: Solving the Communication Problem by Hugh Mackay
Charlotte (Charley) works in youth ministry and is studying a Bachelor of Theology at a bible college in Melbourne. Charley enjoys writing children's stories, playing guitar and dreaming the impossible.
Charley Goiris' previous articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/charley-goiris.html