In the less significant category I've had to develop independence. Having a brother move overseas, another brother move out and parents enjoying their freedom as intrepid travellers meant simple pleasures such as a home cooked meal have been harder to come by. Lesson learnt here; baked beans gets old.
In the more significant category, circumstances have left me asking questions such as "God, are you really good?" or "God, are you kidding me right now?". Through the many moments of using less than desirable language in my prayers I have found one thing especially freeing. My freedom of choice. I have the freedom to choose how I respond to this change. And that choice, I can control.
Time to man up
I've found all this change a tad overwhelming at times because at the bottom of it all, I'm a bit of a wuss. I hate sleeping in an empty house. I get upset every time my cat falls off the bench. I text my mum the moment she has arrived in another country telling her I miss her. I'm a bit of a softie. But if I have learnt one thing in my experience of change is that sometimes I just need to man up.
Amongst being a wuss, my pet hate is being controlled by a situation that I should have control over. My most recent example is my fear of plane toilets. We're not talking hate them as in squirm a little bit when I have to use it. NO. We're talking I won't even use one. I would rather the discomfort versus the potential disaster of being locked in, or worse, the scary flush engulfing me. Yes, these are my nightmares.
On a recent trip overseas a man a few seats over decided that having about 10 drinks in the space of a 4 hour trip at altitude would ease his nerves. Sadly, he just got drunk and aggressive. And even worse, he peed himself. We still had two hours to go. Lovely. Ironically it was at this time I started busting.
I realised then, my irrational fear was controlling me. This man had become so drunk that he had lost bladder control, and yet here I was holding on because I was so afraid of a toilet. Ridiculous. My nightmares of locked doors and engulfing flushes soon became fears of peeing myself. He had lost control, yet I still could take mine back. It was time for me to man up. I needed to face my fears. I needed to break the control this was having over me and just use the darn toilet. And so I did. Nothing drastic to report either. Although for a moment I forgot how to open the door and was
convinced the lock had broken….
Who are you?
When it comes to life I am always admiring those who have shown resilience. The people who are shaken through their life situations, yet not controlled. The people who have taken back control and made a choice to be who they want to be and deal with their demons. I have been blessed to work with young girls who have experienced the worst of what life could throw their way, yet have realised they can do something about the way they allow it to affect them.
In the opposite camp I look around and I see so many people completely dissatisfied with their lives and choosing to do nothing. Those people are choosing to wallow. Through not acting, they are choosing to be miserable.
When there is so much in this world that I cannot control, why would I choose to do nothing when I can do something?
So who am I, then?
Sometimes I'm the person who chooses to watch re-runs of Friends episodes eating dairy milk chocolate, sometimes I choose to vent, sometimes I choose to shut down, sometimes I choose to ignore the effects of my past hurts. And sometimes it works, for a period of time. Although , it's a time bomb until the next 'change' and then what? Ultimately I know none of those choices will actively lead me to my way out. Those choices suppress and control my actions.
On other days, I choose to be proactive. I choose to be determined. And on the really successful days I choose to stare my demons in the face and say get out once and for all. And for everyone it will be different. For some of us it might involve counselling. For others it might be talking with a trusted mentor. Or for others it might be a simple act of a simple prayer at the start of every day. But either way, a choice to do nothing results in a choice to be miserable. And that's not who I want to be.
Who is God?
God is a God of freedom. While being contrary to popular belief God yearns for us to discover the freedom he has for us. The freedom from hurt controlling us. The freedom in knowing who we are in him. The freedom in coming to a God, time and time again, messy, dirty and broken and asking for his forgiveness, mercy, wisdom and help. Sometimes He is waiting for the invitation. The invitation to shine amongst the darkness and show us the way out. Sometimes he'll perform miracles. Other times he'll meet us halfway.
Whatever the situation, he can move the mountain, more often than not though, he needs us to pick up the spade and start digging. That's the hard part.
The digging starts with a choice. A choice to take back control. A choice to face the fear of ourselves and become who God is calling us to be. A child, living in freedom. Wise words of Mr Mumford sum's up nicely: "'Cause I'll know my weakness, know my voice. And I'll believe in grace and choice".
The other choice? Well, newsflash; the stuff aint goin' anywhere. Through doing nothing we chose
our defeat.
And I hate losing.
Chloe Pryor is a young adult living in Auckland New Zealand. Studying a Bachelor of Dance, in her spare time she teaches young children dance, ballet and jazz, whilst volunteering hours in the youth ministry of her local church. Chloe has a passion for God and serving the local church with a defined heart for women.
Chloe Pryor's previous articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/chloe-pryor.html