In my time at the hospital I worked with some lovely, very talented and professional nurses and surgeons; I was caught up in a sphere of well-honed specialist skills. As I stood there on my first day, amazed by the presence of a human body and the laissez-faire attitude they all seemed to have about it, I realised that there was a necessary duality in what they did. They each cared enough about the needs of others to the point that they had dedicated their careers to helping sick people to become well; and yet at the same time, they didn't seem to care at all.
Difficulty of Duality
I've often thought about the tension I have as a Christian person between conviction and emotion. For most of my life I have been firmly convinced of the existence and truth and goodness of God, and yet there have been definite highs and lows to the way I feel about Him.
When I was in my undergrad at university I took a Performance Studies course that was more ethnographical than anything else. The subject took as its focus the development process of a theatre company. For two weeks we sat and watched a group devise a verbatim political theatre piece, and then we wrote essays on the relationships and the process. The company that we observed performed political theatre because they were convicted that the events they portrayed were important. They were like a theatrical newspaper, bringing true and important events to the attention of the general public. At one point, amidst the noisy and creative discussion of collaborative theatre, an AV suggestion was put forward that left a clear image in everyone's minds.
The image hung in the air and with it came the full force of the events, descending into the room. The talking stopped, the movement stopped, the company sat, each one thinking about the horror and significance of world events. Five or ten minutes passed before gradually, like the starting of a freight train, theatrical ideas were discussed; lighting, staging, music, rigging. The comfort of production was returning; the placement and ordering of scenes, images, video was more comfortable to discuss than the questioning of "what do we do to convey the horror of reality?".
Reality of Duality
The fact of the matter is that the theatre company that I observed were so convicted of the need to educate people on world events that they were driven to devising theatre. The surgeons and nurses whom I worked with were so convicted of the need to help and heal people that they had studied and worked hard enough to hold the jobs that they did. Despite the appearance of indifference towards patients on a table or world events upon a stage, the opposite was true. It is the conviction of these people that has lead them to lay aside their emotion in order to fulfil their job. We have oversimplified the human heart if we think that it is essential for every true conviction to be constantly experienced.
As with my own questioning about my belief in a good and real God, I am certain that this permeates my life in ways much bigger than emotion. The direction of my life has been altered because of the truths that I hold onto, and the same could be said of whole host of people in a variety of careers. While the duality of conviction and emotion is often a catalyst for decisions that we make, the ongoing pursuit of that initial direction bears testimony to the strength and reality of our convictions, despite our waning emotional expressions. We are creatures who can only fully understand the reality of our beliefs in light of our duality.
Sam Manchester is a University of Sydney graduate interested in Sociology and Ethnography. He spent a couple of years living and studying in London, but now is home on the North Shore enjoying Sydney's arts and social scene and studying theology.
Sam's archive of articles may be viewed at www.pressserviceinternational.org/sam-manchester.html